New year, same Maria.

I am fully disgusted in myself for not posting in over 3 months. BIG SOZ. I promise to do better. I am even more disgusted that it's 2014! *vomits*

So Christmas happened. 

It's is a family tradition that one of us is ill during the festive period and this year it was my turn. 23rd of December I felt like the grim reaper and thought cold and flu tablets would shift it. They done piss all. And the illness ended up moving to my chest which resulted in me going hospital Boxing Day for antibiotics and stronger inhalers. Sly on me and my terrible immune system. 

So now it's 2014 and I have made no New Years resolutions. Which I'm not arsed about, as like 99.9% of people- I don't stick to them. If I'm going to start a diet then winter is the worst time. All you want to do when it's cold is stay in bed and eat biscuits. Id rather just try and eat healthier and not hate myself if I slip up and have some fried chicken. 

One thing I do want to change this year, and pretty soon, is my hair. I've dyed my hair since I was 15 and having put up with 10 years of roots I think I deserve a break. Not going to delve in to my hair dye history, but I've basically been all the colours of the rainbow. Since June I have had pastel lilac and pink hair. It's so hard to maintain this colour. Having to bleach your roots as well as tone the hair is just a ball ache. I'm thinking of going my natural dirty blonde with an ombré effect at the ends. This way I have no roots and I can use hair chalk or toner to do the ends if I want a bright colour. We'll see anyway- don't know how much longer I can deal with brown roots, yellow middle and lilac ends. 

May do a Britney and shave it all off. 

Watch this space. 

<3

Train Wine & Soreen

So I've done a lot of over time at work lately and not had time to blog, but I'm using the time on the train wisely by writing a little post. This week in work has been pretty stressful so I decided to treat myself to an M&S glass of wine. Buying this handy lunch box size glass with a foil lid was the best idea for a train treat ever. What I didn't realise, was that I had drank the whole glass before the 1st stop oooops!!! Now I'm really wishing I had bought a second glass. 

Having a stressful week at work makes me feel so old. In past jobs I have still felt like a spring chicken come Friday but this week has made me feel middle aged. Im starting to be more conscious of how old I'm getting. My legs ache when I have sat at my work desk for too long, my eye sight is deteriorating at a scarily fast rate and I wear comfortable shoes. 

I have also started to worry about silly things like planning how much sleep I need for the day and wondering if I have enough snacks in my handbag come a snack emergency. 

Recently I went to a wedding which I knew I would only be at for a couple of hours. I spent so long getting ready that I had no time for lunch so I put a mini soreen loaf in my clutch bag. My boyfriend thought I was a crazy handbag hoarder but I knew we could be stuck in a situation where there was no food and I am not a happy hungry person. Turns out that we weren't there long enough for me to turn in to a crazed starved beast. 

Not buying any food for this train was defo not a good idea. And it seems like everyone around me is munching. All I'm thinking of is what sort of feast will make this tiring Friday. Maybe a sausage dinner with a side of Singapore chow mein and a sprinkling of chilli cheese nachos and a huge tub of ice cream. And a diet coke obv! 

Mines the next stop and I am planning the fastest route to a couch and my pjamers. Soz if there are spelling mistakes. Let's just pretend I'm drunk. Promise next blog will be better. 

<3

(Bad) Music for the Masses

I've been getting in to work mega early this week, which means I've been getting the train just after 6am. The usual crowd at that time are builders, early office workers and one man who carries lots of  fishing equipment. Since I'm such a people watcher, public transport is like a mini haven to me. I make up stories about where these people are going, what will happen in there day and what are they reading on their kindle or listening to on their iPod. On the way home however, I need not guess what one commuter was listening to as he had no headphones in and was playing his music through his phone speaker.

Do people really still do this??

I remember being younger and the teenage scallys on the back of the bus would play music while trying to hide the ciggy they where smoking. Back then I just accepted it and thought it was the norm on public transport. But that was 10 years ago. What made this 30+ year old man think the whole carriage would like to join him in listening to Eminem- "Without Me"? I could think of around a billion other songs id rather him play, but I knew this wasn't the appropriate situation for song requests. You could see the puzzled look on people's faces as they joined us at later stops. They clearly hadn't noticed this carriage came with a DJ.

What made it even worse was as I was sitting so close to this man, people started to think the music was coming from my headphones. I got so paranoid about this that I quickly unplugged and packed my headphones away in my bag to prove my innocence.  The elderly couple opposite me where looking around with stern faces and tutting. The song is not exactly age appropriate for everyone on the train.

I was inwardly cringing so badly and just wanted it to stop. I was praying to the gods for this mans battery to rapidly run out or for him to accidentally spill all his Red Bull on his phone. I was board line tempted to stage falling over and crash in to him causing his phone to break- bit extreme but I couldn't stand the thought of what would come out the speaker next.  I wanted to inform him that for the price of his Red Bull he could of gone to the pound shop and bought headphones. There's been plenty of times I've left headphones at home and turned to the trusty pound shop for some temporary headphones. He didn't look like the kind of man who would appreciate this information though, so I stayed quiet. 15 minutes of musical torture later, I had arrived at my stop Walking in the torrential rain that greeted me was better than having to endure this mans jukebox of madness!

Another thing that baffled me a bit on a different trip home from work this week, was a lady sitting opposite me who spoke solidly (and very loudly) for the 15 minute journey despite 1 underground stop and around 5 tunnels. It's a FACT that no one has reception underground or in a tunnel. It just doesn't happen. I don't care how good your network is, no signal is reaching you in a train station basement. Yet she spoke the whole way home. I don't know if this woman was insane and there was no one on the phone to begin with, or that she had been speaking so much she hadn't noticed the other person had been cut off. Regardless I got to hear how her weekend was and how she is dating her old friends boyfriend- tut tut. 

I Would tell you all more about past experiences with weird and wonderful people on my commutes but my brain has now turned to pulp after this 18 hour day. Night Night.


< 3

Bra-less Greetings

Why is it always when I'm slothing and wearing no bra around the house, the door goes? First visitor in for a treat was the Salvation Army lady coming to collect a donation envelope. I had no idea where it was and the last thing anyone wants to see is boobs frantically flapping all over the hall way, searching through the leaning tower of letters. I apologised and told her I couldn't find it. She said not to bother and would come back another time. Felt a bit sly on her going away empty handed but I was on the phone to my nan at the same time too. I know women can multi-task, but explaining to my nan I was putting her on hold, searching for this envelope and trying to keep myself dignified all at the same time just wasn't happening. 

Next in line for the boob show was the neighbour delivering a parcel for my mum. I didnt have time to grab a hoodie and a floral cape was the only thing to hand. I decided to not go with the cape in fear I would look like a hippy wizard. As if opening the door bra-less in a polka dot onsie isn't shame enough, my freshly washed hair and fringe had started to dry in a centre parting... FIT. I looked like Nick Carter circa 1998. 

Trying to cover myself with the parcel as best I could I ended the friendly chit chat and bailed back inside. 

Moral of the story is wear a bra around the house in case of suprise visitors. Or just don't answer the door.

<3

Bank Holiday: Beef Sweats & Contagious Hangovers

I started the Bank Holiday by treating myself to a jaw breaking burger... literally.  Almost Famous is a new burger bar has opened in the city centre. Basically they put all sorts of madness on a bun. For example the Kids In America burger is "Triple candied bacon cheeseburger, Cheddar jalapeno pretzel crunch, chipotle ketchup, famous sauce, pickles and diced onion." It was this exact burger that just weeks before, a girl had dislocated her jaw on.

 Proof.......( http://uk.eonline.com/news/450683/woman-dislocates-her-jaw-biting-into-a-giant-america-burger-still-claims-burger-was-amazing )

This however did not put my boyfriend off ordering this exact burger. In fact we saw it as a challenge, to finish one of these burgers with all our facial bones in tact. I ordered a burger which had just about everything bacon flavoured in existence on it, including frazzles and baconnaise. And if we didn't think this was meaty enough, we ordered a side of BBQ pork fries for good measure. The Burgers where served on Frisbees which made them even more exciting. Below is a photo of the Kids In America Burger and BBQ Pork fries...

 

 

 We ate it all barr a few fries and a bit of bun and started to get the dirty meat sweats. I felt like I had eaten an entire cow and I needed to find the nearest cushioned surface to sweat it out on for the evening.

Two lie ins and two sausage muffins later it was Sunday. The only thing worse than being woken up by drunk people at 2am, is being woken up by happy hungover people at 9am. Do me a favour, go back to bed and hate yourself for the amount you drank like any normal human. TA.

As expected, after midday there was no laughter. The hangovers had set in on my sister, our friend and my boyfriend. I hadn't been out the night before so I felt like a spring chicken compared to these 3 battery hens. I was all ready to go down to the park with a picnic and a few pints of cider, this was out of the question for a few hours at least. My sister and her friend took to separate rooms to commence their naps. I lay with Adam for a bit as he couldn't settle properly. I was wide awake and didn't really fancy a nap, so without disturbing Adam the only device in my reach was the iPad. Turning on the Catch up TV and without even thinking about it I tuned in to Home Alone. It was only after the first advert break I realised, there's a Christmas film on ... IN AUGUST!! I have one friend who would be sorely disappointed in me watching Christmas films before December. I'm sorry Shanta I watched the whole film, please forgive me. I know its a bit unnatural to get excited about Christmas this early but blame Film4!

Anyway, halfway through the film I found myself in the foetal position cuddling a bag of peanut M&Ms. What's this all about? I wasn't even hungover, yet I was starting to feel feeling queasy wondering if I should join in on the nap-fest taking place in my house. Pulling myself together, I managed to survive the rest of the film and decided to wake up the masses and drag them the park for the music festival and more cider.

The Bank Holiday Blues are in full swing and I am counting down the hours to Friday.
To make this evening a bit happier I decided to treat myself to a little manicure and try out my new nail varnish: Rimmel 60 seconds in the colour Caramel.

Note to all the pale girls out there like myself, maybe stick to the pink nude shades... it looks like I have ten mini poos at the end of my fingers now. But I'm too tired to start all over again... poo nails it is.



<3

Monday: Tears Train Side & Pie and Mash

Monday Mornings are not a good time. They're even less of a good time when you forget to set your alarm. This is exactly how my morning started today. It was a sign of things to come. I had 5 minutes to change and brush my teeth before fleeing out the house to catch my train. I'm an expert at doing my hair and a full face of make-up on the train so to me this was no biggie. What was a biggie was that I had managed to forget EVERY bobble I owned! Its always in these desperate times that all the bobbles and hair clips you own run away and hide and then turn up down the couch or in the washing machine. Armed with only 4 hair clips i had to make the most of things till I got off the train and ran to the nearest boots!! Hair sorted it was time for make up. Step 1- foundation. WRONG. I had used the last of my foundation Saturday night and was too hungover eating KFC and vegging out on Sunday to remember. So I did the best with what I had and managed to make myself look a bit more human.

During the 90 minute train ride from my boyfriends house to work, spent getting ready and watching Adulthood (thank you BBC iPlayer!), I realized that my battery was significantly drained and I had, of course, forgotten to pack my charger. Didn't think this was much of a problem as I stupidly thought 30% was enough to see me through the day. After pitying myself for my semi-stressful morning, I bought a breakfast bagel and got on with my day at work. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, was quite a busy day so had no time for any more bad luck.

While emailing my sister, who was spending the day in bed recovering from V Festival, we came to the conclusion that pie, veg and mash was the only dinner that would make this Monday better. I volunteered to pick up the food on the way home as sleeping on a field floor for 3 nights had made it impossible for her to move without being in pain. I had completely forgotten I already had to carry my handbag, a plastic bag with my coat in and a hold-all which weighed the same as car. Now I had taken on the task of trekking through town to buy dinner as well.

The end of the work day came and I had a throbbing headache. I felt like I was climbing Everest walking towards M&S. Pie, check. Veg, check, mash...No. Tesco it is. My 3 bags had now turned to 5. I was a hot mess after walking, with 5 bags full to the train station for my journey home. Annoyingly I had just missed a train so had to wait 20 minutes. By this time my phone battery had completely died. The platform I was on had no clock and no screens alerting us of the train times. Having no phone to check the time made me feel like I was in the land where time stood still. The 20 minutes I had to wait felt like an eternity. Finally giving up and asking someone the time, I found out that it had in fact been 30 minutes, the train was late. No announcements had been made so surely it would be here any second now. Another 10 minutes go by and my headache is now 10 times worse. I just wanted to be home.

I decided enough was enough and stormed down to the ticket office to bark at the 1st attendant I could see. I wanted to know why there had been no announcements and why no one had came down the platform to inform us the train would be late. The train attendant simply pointed at the screen near the entrance of the station and informed me this screen had all the information on. I was so annoyed by his lack of care and sympathy, that I made a noise that can only describe as a growl and walked away swearing under my breath. Really what wanted to do was throw the mash potato in his face and launch the pie across the station while screaming at the top of my lungs. This would of been one step too far. Instead I was so frustrated and exhausted that I started crying. Honestly I don't know where it came from.

Not only was I the disheveled mess carrying 5 bags, now I was the disheveled mess carrying 5 bags crying on the platform. Before I could get the tissues out, the train had arrived and I felt like a full on tit. Everyone waiting for the train was looking at me and needless to say I knew no one would be rushing to sit next to me. I pulled myself together, deciding that crying over a train being delayed was plain ridiculous. Finally I got home and didn't even feel like pie and mash. Obviously I still ate it!!

After a hot shower and slipping in to a cosy onsie I am ready for bed. I have my work clothes laid out for tomorrow, my make up and hair accessories all in order and my alarm set... I think I'm ready to bring on Tuesday.


<3

You-Tube Anonymous : Keyboard Cats, Flash Mobs and Flying Sloths

Tonight's television choice is a programme about long lost families or Big Brother- So what better time to write blog post number 2! It is terrible television like this which drives me to You-Tube on most nights. The thing with You-Tube is that you cant just go on to watch one video. That crafty little suggestions column leads you on to a whole world of possibilities.

I have fallen in to the suggestion column trap many a time. Me not being able to sleep one night and thinking "I'll go have a look at a smoky eye tutorial", turns in to me wondering how to apply foundation properly and questioning "Is my mascara really the one for me?" Next thing you know I'm on the boots website with an almost triple figure shopping cart, filled with all the wonderful products I have see in these make-up tutorials. Then, the realisation that I have no money hits me and I x off the window sulking because I have to use my same old crappy make up in the morning.

Make up tutorials are something I have only recently discovered. Animal videos on the other hand have been a great love of mine for a while: Surprised Kitty, Keyboard Cat, Sneezing Panda, what's not to love! Upon discovering a video, I take it as my personal duty to broadcast it to as many people as possible. If I know your having a bad day there's nothing I love more then showing one of my many hilarious finds. You'd actually be surprised by how many people don't find Stuart the salsa dancing dog funny- quite frankly they should all be disgusted in themselves because I think its pretty darn hilarious.

Places like the office are good for hearing about new videos. Although, almost all of the ones the male members of staff suggest sounds like things I never ever want my eyes to be exposed too: Two Girls One Cup, Top 10 Gruesome Sports Injuries and Pranks Gone Wrong. No thanks ill stick to dramatic hamster!

One afternoon myself and 2 co-workers where talking about viral wedding proposal videos we had seen. It didn't take long before we where all huddled round an iPhone, borderline grabbing for the kleenex while watching the groom to be and all his family and friends mime the words of Bruno Mars- Marry You to his fiancé. After a flash mob proposal or two later, we all decided to pull ourselves together, return to our desks to pretend to work, while secretly thinking of all the different ways we would like to be proposed to.

Although highly addictive, You-Tube is full of rubbish really. A black hole where you find yourself so deeply lost in the suggestion column, that you start to come across videos of people singing terrible cover versions of Adele and revealing their undying love for Justin Bieber. It is then that you realise that you've hit rock bottom of the viral video world, and its probably time to log off. But before you go, treat your eyeballs to this, you wont regret it...

<3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba7rRfKIHxU